Friday, January 13, 2006

a friendly "fuck you" to all the superficial assholes in the audienc

Today I was probably the main source of entertainment for about 3/4ths of the student body. I had to pick up some reading material from the bookstore (Guide to Writing, Hustler), and after the purchase i just threw it in my bookbag like any normal student would. After walking about 3 feet, I realized my bookbag had now weighed a metric ton and its shape reminded me of a jagged boulder. So I decided to drag it to my car and empty some of the load. Sat in my car, took out excess books, got out and walked back towards main campus. I still had an hour to kill before class, so I decided to walk around campus, enjoy the scenery, chain smoke cigarettes, and secretly check out boobies. This went all well and good, walked all over the place for about 35 minutes. Saw and passed many of my fellow students, no big deal. About 40 mintues into my jaunt, I was beginning to get irritated at my bookbag, something just felt weird about it when it was hanging off my shoulder. I stop and take it off, and to my surprise, it was completely unzipped and hanging wide open. I felt like the biggest jackass within 5 square miles (and there's alot of homeless guys around there, so you know i felt like shit). As I checked my inventory, I came to the realization that I must have walked by about 500 people, and not one person even tapped me on the goddamn shoulder to tell me i was split open wider than a hooker's legs on twofer-tuesday. That pissed me off. So if anyone out there reading this remembers getting a cheap laugh at my expense: i hope your future children are born looking like god took a mulligan. After 3 months of staring at that monstrosity, you decide to swallow a bottle of tylenol. You are obviously worthless at life (probably an economics major), so your take-my-pain-away attempt fails miserably; leaving you to become the Terri Schiavo of 2006. You could have thrown a fucking rock at my head, and as soon as i regained consciousness im sure i would have noticed my bookbag was unzipped. And the fucking clincher: Later i went back to the union to get another book (The Best of Penthouse Forum), lit a cigarette as i was walking out, and not 20 fucking feet away this guy pratically chases me down and taps me on the shoulder. I pull the headphone bud out of my ear, and before i can even get a word in, he says "Hey man, can I get a smoke from ya?" So i punched him in the throat and stomped on his chest till i heard ribs break. Where the fuck was that bum 2 hours ago? Probably laughing at my ass, all while the contents of my bag slowly marked my trail like red riding hood's fucking bread crumbs. So he deserved the bashing I so lovingly laid upon his ass. I seriously would have rather been walking around with my fly down. Maybe then someone would have gotten a free shot at my cash & prizes. It's always fun to catch a pecker checker.

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