Friday, January 27, 2006

last i checked, lance armstrong wasn't enrolled at UNL

im going to summarize this post in one quick sentence. bikes (or anything with wheels, for that matter. sorry handi-man, better hire an undeclared pledge to carry your mobility-challenged ass around), should be permanently banned from campus. you cant even ride the goddamned things on any sidewalk downtown, and campus is downtown, so whats the fucking difference? i have to train-dodge these pompous ass clowns at least twice a day, and each time i get closer and closer to dealing out a well-executed neck chop to the next bag of douche that comes within arms length. it wouldnt bother me if these shitheads would abide by those little things called traffic laws, which state that pedestrians have the right-of-way. and no, just because your two legs are the objects that power your two-wheeled menace does not make you a pedestrian. it makes you just another fuck stick that thinks theyre some cowpoke riding their steed off into the sunset. just because you happen to look eight feet tall when youre scooting around does not mean you can act like it. and why does every one of these lazy dipshits insist on owning some 37-speed Trek, complete with front and rear triple-monotube, gas-filled, fast-action shock absorbers, quadruple titanium-spiked limited edition racing pedals, and a custom-made, butt-contoured, long-distance calf-skin comfort-gel seat? last I checked, avery hall was not perched alongside the peak of mount everest. since when did getting to class two minutes faster than everyone else become that important? if time is an issue, talk to an advisor when you make your next schedule, not to the wal-mart sales associate about how you have 37 seconds of travel time in-between classes. seriously, when has walking been this big of an issue? 97.5f the rest of the student body seems to be able to get around just fine this way, what the fuck is your problem? is it some sort of napoleon-complex, maybe an issue you have about sitting two feet higher in the atmosphere above everyone else? you are the same type of dipshit that buys a 2 mpg suv just to feel safe. fuck you. you are the reason for everything that is wrong with the world. want proof? well fuck you again, you dont deserve it. youre lucky Im even wasting my time talking about the waste of humanity you wish you could embody. you are the reason abortion should be legal across the board, and why stem-cell research should be embraced, because that is the only possible way anything good could come out of you. i am about to the point that when the next king of the sidewalk comes within spitting distance, i am going to throw out a friendly magic stick o vengeance right between the front spokes of your brand new huffy. then the rest of the student body, who have amazingly discovered the ability to walk upright, will guffaw at your newly paralyzed self laying on the grass, right next to the wall you just flew into. bet you wish you would have worn that helmet now, huh? have fun finding a pledge to carry you around, though, because theyre about to become a commodity. consider yourself lucky if you only lose the function of your legs. there is nothing cooler than watching some moron trying to army crawl while unknowingly being stepped on by fellow classmates, too occupied with their cell phones and ipods to notice youre the crippled proof that god has a sense of humor.

i think i just blacked out.
where the fuck did my pants go?
i don't remember a dead prostitute in my closet. that must mean it's a saturday.

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