Saturday, February 4, 2006

whoops! next time ill remember the xanax.

I think today is possibly the worst day of my life. I know what youre thinking, "Oh fucking cry, your life is so horrible, you fucking self-loathing douche. " Well, its not. But as far back as I can remember, I cannot even fathom a day such as this. I really dont want to go into total specifics, but Ill give you the gist of it. Day starts off waking up to alarm at 6:20 am. Hit snooze a few times, finally get up at 6:40. I seriously think that I am running late, so I haul ass in the shower and get non-smelly for my one and only class of the day. No big deal. All ready to leave, and I look at the clock. It says 7:13. My class isnt till 8:30. Fuck. I forced myself out of bed that early to finally realize that Im too dumb to remember how many minutes are in an hour. Oh well, fuck it, blah blah, soon class is over. I go to the library, do a few of my online courses (hey, thats what happens when you wait a week after pre-registration.). Then, after class, I had to go through this boring ass evaluation (dont ask), which is actually the reason I was late to work. No big deal though. I let them know ahead of time, plus we were dead as fuck the whole time anyway. So who cares? Thats right; No one. If I really had the time and the patience, I would go about explaining every other little bullshit thing that I went through today. But I already know that would be pointless. Whats the best that could happen? Somebody sends you a better luck next time greeting card? No, sorry, thats not the way the world works. Jesus, I want to just keep going about everything, but you would get bored in about 14 seconds. Its one of those things that I guess you had to be there. But Im sure my cut-n-dry quick story will fill you in enough.
This really isnt a story, but more of an anecdote.

Of all the things that went on today, none really seemed that significant until about 4:15 PM today. I was still at work, talking to some friends I know extremely well, when it happened. Im not going to try and dictate the actions in the minutes beforehand, and Im not going to say names or relations. I will say this was an accident in all forms of the word, trust me. I witnessed first hand, and I now have to deal with it, so lying isnt exactly going to make things better. Ok then, Ill get to the point. I have seen, heard, and talked about a lot of really fucked-up things in my life. Im never the willing participant, but shit, Ill hang out and watch you throw your life away. That has never bothered me. Ive seen some fucked up things, things I would gladly trade a limb just for 10 seconds of that feeling we like to call piece of mind, the sense of relief that you get when you have no worries, no afflictions. Alas, not in my world. Im not sure if its just a coincidence thing or what, but it seems like all creative-minded persons have all the seriously fucked up things happen to them, or at least have some role in them. I still say the only reason it seems this way, though, is because all artists take everything way out of context. They will find anything to tell themselves that some random person is part of world that is trying to suppress and censor them. It makes a lot more sense when you figure out youre the creative genius, and they are the fucking cretins. Ok, sorry, Ill get to the point.

Have you ever held some weird association in your head with sounds? It doesnt matter what it is, or where it came from, it still just happens to come out of nowhere for some reason, whether it actually exists or not? Well, thats not the sound Im talking about. Are you really sensitive? Or do you consider yourself jaded? Hey, fine. I throw myself on the jaded side the majority of the time, but not for this.

For the sake of argument; have you ever heard a warm cantaloupe hit the cement from about waist-height? If not, could you maybe imagine what that sounds like? If you still have no idea, go buy a fucking cantaloupe and throw it off your roof into your driveway. I realize thats more than around 3 feet, but that way you will get the message loud and clear. Ok, back to where I was. So you know the sound. Now just close your eyes; close them deep and hard. Dont make a visual image; just keep thinking of that sound. Let it get louder. Sit back; let that sound be all you can focus on. Relax. Everythings going to be ok. Just keep that sound going.

Still have the sound going? Great! Now, you want to know where Im going with this. Well, dont stop thinking about the sound, and Ill tell you Still going? Okay then. Quick question: Have you ever heard a six-month old baby fall four feet and land head first on concrete? If not, that sound youve been thinking about is about the closest I could get. Im not trying to be some crazy fuck here, I truly am serious. Ive been desensitized and traumatized by all sorts of shit in my life, but Id have taken those things ten-fold again if I could forget I witnessed such a travesty. Just think of that sound. Now keep the sound, but throw in the mental image of a 6-7 month old baby girl falling head first onto cement. Make sure the sound of the cantaloupe hitting the ground has the same timing. What next? Well, I dont know about you, but I really think I am going to vomit. And its not even the brown bottle flu. Guess my skin's not as thick as I thought it was.

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