Sunday, September 3, 2006

mustang sally was a filthy whore (and other observations)

for the longest time, i could swear i didn't exist. my reason, you say? well, random social comparisons of course! just in case you aren't familiar with my own made up terminology, random social comparison (r.s.c. is the preferred acronym among professionals, such as myself) is when a person, upon meeting someone else (ideally in a social situation, although i'm not really sure how else communication would be possible. but i gotta cover my bases. it's a legal thing.), and their first instinct is to blatantly explain to you how you are apparently the exact replica of someone else that only they (and their friends, of course) are so inclined to know. now, in normal conversation there is nothing wrong with telling someone how you remind him or her of someone else (i.e. carrot top, their mother, tom, fatty arbuckle, jesus) so long as that person can consider it somewhat complementary. but when you come up with overblown ideas in your little fragile mind as to the identity of my doppelganger, make sure you've got some sort of foundation to stand on. i'm talking evidence (as in photographs, voice recordings, fingerprints, hair strands, urine sample, blood tests, a big toe, etc) and bonafide witnesses. i'm not talking about your drunk friend who smells of busch light and self-loathing, but an expert witness. a professional (like me!), if you will. they need to be an expert in the fields of drunken logic, calculus, and womens golf; most importantly though, is an intense background in the study of people who are somewhat similar in stature and/or appearance to me. (fuck personality similarities, though. if you're friends with someone as shallow and petty as myself then i pity you.) i know this type of studied individual does not sound like an easy find, nor a cheap one. and believe me, they are not. but i can help. i just so happen to be an accredited expert in the above fields (surprise!) and i am willing to offer my services for a small fee of only $156,045 (and some change). for this, i will extract the necessary information from my sources (i.e. you), and then use said information to find the location of my accused body-double. if this person is indeed too similar for my liking, i will be forced to yell and stomp around for a bit, and quite possibly kick their dog/cat/little sister. this is to show you that i mean business. oh, and then i'd have to kill him. (it's a scientific thing; something about the space-time continuum being destroyed, i can't remember exactly. it's been awhile since i saw back to the future.) now, if you don't want any of this to happen to your precious alec-a-like, here is the simple solution: don't bring it up in the first place. i don't want to hear about how i remind you of some old douche-bag friend of yours, and i'm sure that same douche-bag would agree wholeheartedly for the reverse. but hey, guess what? i would love to keep on ranting, but i gotta go catch up on some womens golf.



i am a professional, you know.
-bigal

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