Do you remember that asshole that cut you off yesterday? Well, that was me. How about the guy that bought the last copy of the newspaper? Sorry, didnt know you could read. What about that time somebody massively overflowed the toilet at your last party? I dont know about you, but I sure felt better. Or when you found out your mom was cheating on your dad, leading to their divorce, numerous lawsuits, and your new bastard-child little brother? Maybe next time shell remember to lock the door; let alone make sure I wasnt lying about the condom. How about that kid who used to call you fatass and throw rocks at your head in grade school? School counselor said I was just coming into my own; whats your excuse there, chunky? Youd never forget that guy who mugged you in the alley at gun-point, would you? Im still laughing you forked over four-hundred in cash and a grip-load of credit cards to some drunk fuck; especially when the only thing in that brown bag was my hand. Then there was the guy who told you he loved you, promised you the world, and then never called you back once he took your virginity? Guilty as charged. And after that car accident, when you discovered your bottle of Vicodin had magically refilled itself with tic-tacs? Lets seeyou left painkillers in your main bathrooms medicine cabinet. Using that logic, you might as well of left them on the front porch and been done with it. And you never did thank me for the tic-tacs, asshole. And speaking of drugs, how about the time you talked your best friend into trying coke, and they ended up going into a seizure and having a brain aneurysm? Well, most dealers cut coke with baking powder; but cocaine and Comet both start with a "c" so I assumed it was the better choice. How about when you had to walk seventeen miles out in the middle of nowhere because of four flat tires? The thing is, this guy I was pissed at had those exact same kind of tires. I just wasnt sure about the car. Im not sure if you know about this, but did anyone ever tell you that you spent an extra week in the hospital because of sudden toxic shock? All your IV was doing was dripping, so I just figured a nice squeeze or two might help you hop out of the hospital bed a little quicker. Guess too much saline in the body isnt a good thing.
But all things considered, you know Im not a bad person at heart. Remember the time your dog Ernie ran away, and you hadnt seen him for days? Who was the first person at your house, comforting you, telling you everything was going to be ok, letting you cry on their shoulder? Ok, that wasnt me, but at least poor Ernies still in your heart.
Plus, after the party you had, theres probably still some of him clogged in that toilet.
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